Last night I had a dream that I was in a kitchen with about four children of varying ages, with big beautiful eyes and cute faces. They were so lovely and cuddly and they were helping me make chocolate chip cookies. I woke up and felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest because it wasn’t real. Brain, why do you tease me with dreams like that?
I just got home and my Dad said that he was looking through my Nans belongings (she died last month) and he found something for me. He then handed me a letterpack with writing paper and envelopes and this letter, addressed to me, was sitting inside. It made me tear up.
The 28th May 1991, what a wonderful day that was. You came into my family so tiny and frail, but look at you now growing every day, so big and so strong, thanks to the loving care from your mummy and daddy. One year over and now the rest of your life to look forward to. To be happy and be whatever you want as you grow up. Lorna, you are the joy of my life. I’m so proud of you and always remember that I love you so very much. There is a special place in my heart, just for you. When you become a big girl and learn to read, you can read this for yourself.
This morning my dog burst open my door and came running into my room trying to get up onto my bed. Then once she’d managed to get onto my bed she stood on my stomach and my neck (she’s a Border Collie so she’s not small) and then snuggled down next to me with her head on my pillow. Then she started making really weird expressions with her face and she sneezed all over my face and my pillow and I screamed and then couldn’t stop laughing.
SWEET FUCKING JESUS I JUST NEED TO GET OUT ALL THIS PENT UP ANGER FOR THE PAST 18 MONTHS AND HOW MY UNI FUCKED ME OVER SO HARDDSOFKHDKSHFKAHDSFKHDSKF
- Yesterday I met up with my friend Beebs in the city and while I was waiting for him, some strange old creep walked up to me and said in a manic voice, “Hi, how are you today!?” I freaked out and thought omg do I ignore this weird guy or say hello? So I said, “I’m good thanks. How are you?” and he said “I’m great thanks. Have a good day, madame.” Note to self: not everyone that approaches you in the city is a weirdo. Most of the time, yes. But not always.
- Beebs and I got thai food that was so spicy our faces pretty much melted off. He’s hilarious because he doesn’t realize it’s not appropriate to talk about dildos and licking buttholes in public. Apologies to the people at the table next to us.
- Last night Seb and I became much closer. Everything was put on the table. Absolutely fucking everything, and I feel so much more free that we’re both on the same page. I’m not resentful of any of these crazy things that have occurred with us, or of the bad things that have happened to us, because they help us grow and more than anything they make us resilient and that’s something that has to be learnt.
- Today I hung out with my friend Ronnie at uni and helped her with her photography work. She’s always fun to be around and is a good listener.
- Tonight I’m meeting up with my friend Emma who I haven’t seen in ages and she’s also one of the greatest people ever. She’s so down to earth and understanding.
Though things are still fucked up, I’m lucky to have such great people in my life.
I hate having to decide what I want to do for a career. There are too many options.
I looked up the top 10 jobs of 2012 (based on pay, work environment, satisfaction etc) and number 1 was an Actuary. I’m doing statistics at the moment, maybe I could follow along that path, become a statistical wizz and earn up to AU$200,000 a year…
The average pay for a Speech Pathologist is about AU$60,000. What the actual fuck. Why can’t I find a career that pays great, is satisfying and won’t make me want to jump off a bridge?
How about I find some rich old man to marry and then the problem is solved? Yep. Sweet.
Here is a list:
- I got 85% for my Mid Unit Test in Statistics. Fuck yes! Art school has made me feel stupid and disillusioned and these stats results prove me wrong.
- I’m not going into uni today for 2 hours just so the teacher can show us a shitty video of artists making sculptures from their own shit.
- There’s nothing quite like sex or food to bring you back down to earth. It’s like my higher level thinking takes a break for a while and everything but physical satisfaction is irrelevant.
- There’s this really gorgeous dog that lives near me and it looks like Hairy Maclary, whenever I pat it it gets so excited that it wets itself and it makes me want to steal it and run home with it. I’m sure the owners won’t notice.
- The upcoming Mothers Day will be the first one that my Mum and Dad have spent without their own Mums :(
- I’m contemplating have a girly sleepover with loads of food, tea and champagne for my birthday but I don’t know if I can be bothered.
- Self doubt is possibly the worst feeling in the world.
- I took this photo in Los Angeles in 2011.
- I miss my friends.
- This is a shitty list.